Grief is not only about death. It is not reserved for funerals, tragedy, or moments everyone agrees are serious enough. Grief can live in quiet places too.

We can grieve the version of ourselves we used to be. We can grieve a relationship that ended, or one that never became what we hoped. We can grieve a decision we made, or a decision we never made. We can grieve how our body has changed. We can grieve how we were treated. We can grieve the parts of our story where we were not protected.

Sometimes we hold grief that is not only ours. Grief for a lineage. Grief for a younger self. Grief for the way life went.

There is no scale for grief. There is no rule that says what counts. If something hurts, it is allowed to be mourned.

What Happens When We Do Not Feel Grief

When we push grief down, it does not disappear. It waits.

When we distract ourselves, stay busy, stay numb, or tell ourselves to be tough, what we are actually doing is delaying an emotion that is asking to be felt. Unfelt grief can settle into the body as tension, irritability, exhaustion, or a sense that something is wrong but you cannot name it.

Processing grief is not about fixing the past. It is about letting your body tell the truth about the past.

Letting Grief Move

Grief wants attention, time, and honesty. You do not have to solve anything. You do not have to forgive anyone before you are ready. You do not have to understand why you feel what you feel. You only have to feel it.

You can begin by:

• Naming it. I am grieving this. Say it out loud or write it.

• Locating it. Where do you feel it in your body. Throat. Chest. Belly. Jaw. Back of the heart.

• Sitting with it instead of bracing against it. Most of us grip around pain. The work is to soften around it instead.

As you sit with grief, you may notice that it shifts. Pressure in the throat might move to the chest. Heat might turn to trembling. Tears might finally come. Movement is good. Movement means it is no longer stuck.

A Simple Practice for Grief

You may want to work with scent while you do this. In aromatherapy, cypress essential oil is known for supporting release during times of grief. Bergamot and rose are also traditionally used to comfort the heart. These can be inhaled gently, not taken internally.

• Create a quiet setting.
  Sit or lie down in a way that feels safe. Lower the lights. You can play soft music if that helps instead of silence.
• Invite one specific grief forward.
  Choose one thing. Not your whole life. One. Let yourself feel it without trying to explain it away. Do not tell yourself to get over it. Do not talk yourself out of it.
• Notice it in the body.
  Where is it living right now. Put a hand there. Breathe there. Stay with it.
  If you like, you can imagine this grief as an image, a color, a shape, or even a small creature. You can also give it a name. This is not childish. This is how we build relationship with what hurts.
• Ask it what it needs.
  Ask, What do you need from me. Then listen. You may get an answer as a word, or you may just feel an emotion rise. Both are answers.
• Allow.
  If you cry, let yourself cry. If you feel anger rise, acknowledge anger. If you feel tired, let yourself feel tired. There is nothing you have to do here. You are not performing. You are witnessing.

Closing the Practice

When you feel complete for now, close in a way that supports your nervous system. A few ideas:

• Make tea. Chamomile, rose, and lemon balm are all traditionally used to calm the heart and settle the body.

• Go outside. Even five minutes of air and sky helps bring you back into the present moment.

• Write. A few lines in a notebook is enough. You do not have to write a story. You can simply write, Today I felt, and finish the sentence.

Why This Matters

Grief is not a weakness. Grief is proof that you have lived, and loved, and expected more for yourself.

Letting grief move through you is part of staying whole.

Take good care,
Françoise